pain is good

Lessons through pain can be very effective– very quick.  Especially if you have the right awareness and say THANK YOU.

I got my feelings hurt this morning.  By my boss.  The story is too long and too boring and too trivial to relate in writing.  It’s a minor thing.  He mocked me as being hysterical.  And it really hurt.  I realized, oh, that must be how he sees me or a problem i present, as “here’s a big problem” and I’m hysterical.  I mean, from his perception as the boss and person in authority, he is the problem-solver.  Is that it?  Without going any deeper into trying to second-guess his perception, just the realization, ‘oh, that must be how he sees me’ was very sobering and very painful.  Pain is good.

I love myself enough to take a good look.  This little tap dance i do for him every morning, i do what i think is expected of me, i behave in a way that i think is required.  Well, it’s all baloney  The gig is up.  He sees right through it and I’m tired of performing and we’re both tired of the game.

Very sobering.

These layers are coming off.

Last week it was releasing my relationship with my sister and in that process giving up being a little sister.

This week I’m giving up being a pleaser.  (yet again:  I thought I’d already given that up but boy is that ingrained over many lifetimes, let alone this one!)  I’m giving up being the dutiful employee.  Words fail me.



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